Why I wrote a book about erectile differences

I feel like my erectile differences and those of millions of other men and our partners have been buried behind a wall of shame and effective silence. If mentioned at all, the term used for our condition is “erectile dysfunction.” That sounds to me as if they’re saying there is something wrong with us, either physically or psychologically.

It has been deeply confusing for me, as a fit and healthy person in my 60s, first to be diagnosed with prostate cancer and then to have my sex life turned upside down by a primal body change. And I have met so many others who have erectile differences, including as a result of illness, various medications, hormone treatments and more. Yet my five years of turmoil are opening me up to a new and deeper sexuality that is more full bodied, less one dimensional and surprisingly satisfying.

So I decided to write a book about erectile differences that tells it like it is, without shame or apology. I believe the world has forgotten that these are normal bodily changes, and harder isn’t always better or even necessary. There’s a softening that we can expect with age. It is brought on earlier by a variety of factors including illness, surgery and some common medications. The changes can spur creativity in the bedroom. And nobody is hard all the time!

Two key partnerships made the book possible. Firstly, it wouldn’t have happened without the support of my partner in sharing our own fumbling and joyful experiences adapting sexually to the new reality. Secondly, I am deeply privileged to have learned and shared through hundreds of remarkably frank and direct conversations with men of all sexual orientations, and their partners, all around the world, some of whom have shared their stories on this website.

The yearning

The strongest message I have received about erectile differences is the yearning for sexual pleasure and intimacy. Many penis owners withdraw when their penises don’t behave the way they are supposed to. Almost all of us are freaked out in some way. Some partners are put off too. Yet behind these awkward behaviours is a natural human desire for loving touch, including sexual pleasure.

Make no mistake, people are hurting out there. Without any promotion, my 2021 Psychology Today (PT) article entitled Impact of Erectile Dysfunction on Me and My Marriage has as many readers as all my other PT posts put together. It concludes:

The disappointment of erectile dysfunction hangs like a stench in the air, a sourness in the pit of my stomach.

It’s a stench that only I can smell, a sourness only I can taste in full. My wife certainly gets the bad air that goes with it. And millions and millions of other men and couples are battling the same beast.

When I asked for help (and believe me I asked far and wide!) I tended to be offered either PDE5i drugs like Viagra and Cialis and their generics or stronger injectables, or mechanical replacements like penile implants. It turns out the drugs don’t agree with me, and I felt the implant wasn’t for me. The furthest I got on making do with what I have was “try outercourse.”

The advice ended there. My book starts at that point and goes forward.

Part of a bigger puzzle

There are so many factors to grapple with when you experience erectile differences:

• Inner turmoil
• Relationship impact
• Sexual satisfaction
• Other health issues
• Possible cures

I wrote the book for those who, like me, have pretty much exhausted the possible cures. I have also met many people who want to make the most of the time they are still alive whether or not their (or their partner’s) penis later returns to firmness.

The only medical advice I offer is to see a doctor if your erectile function changes.

Calling it like it is

I know the title is blunt. My intention is to signal very clearly what the book is about, and that the content is direct and down to earth. This also is designed to make it easy for people who don’t want to engage with this kind of sexual content to avoid it.

The book is short and practical. The core chapters are summarised as follows:

• Mindset: the mental journey for men and their partners of all genders
• Pleasure: a buffet of ways to have fun with a soft penis in sexual situations, including simple line drawing illustrations
• Satisfaction: what to do with your more lustful and climactic desires, including some new ways of experiencing orgasms.

If you want privacy to read the book, you might consider the eBook option. You can read it privately on any device with the excellent free Kindle eReader app. Paperback also available worldwide.

Launching new website and Swell blog

I want you to feel welcome to continue subscribing to Recovering Man without having a lot of stuff about soft penises coming at you too frequently, and I want those who want the sexual focus to have a separate home.

So I’ve created a separate website and blog to support the book and the conversations that arise. Please visit and subscribe to the new blog if you are interested. The tagline of the Swell blog is “subtle sexy” and I hope that indicates a helpful direction. The first posts are live and exciting new contributions are in the editorial pipeline.

Book now available worldwide

I feel like my sexuality has softened without losing its power. It is definitely less obvious and demanding. And it I am glad to say it remains a joyful gift for which I am truly grateful.

Losing ready and reliable erections was so deeply confusing that it has taken five years for me to be ready to launch my book Soft Cock Sex.