Partner story 4: Senior sex can be fun

By Colleen Dawson

We’re finding that senior sex can be fun, provided we are flexible about outcomes. As we explore the different situation after my husband’s prostate surgery, we are also aging into our late 60s and early 70s. But as older people, we still have emotions and feelings that want sexual expression.

I’m finding that I’m happy to connect somewhat sexually every day. We let this be a slow build-up to orgasms that happen occasionally and are very satisfying. I don’t need to try hard to come or to get very excited every time. I know it will happen sometime, and the wait is worth it. The orgasms are more satisfying and deeper every few weeks than they are if I try harder more often.

Senior sex: connecting with and without penetration or orgasm

Nearly every night when we get into bed, we cuddle up, stroke and touch each other. We connect physically and emotionally as much as we feel at the time. Pre-prostate surgery this often included penetration with or without orgasm – orgasms more often for Mish than for me – a great connection between us.

Now it’s less sexual, more sensual, so we feel each other deeply. Even if Mish had not had prostate surgery, I think this practice would be helping us as we age. Physical abilities of all sorts inevitably decline somewhat over time. My libido, and I think Mish’s too, is being often satisfied by gentle physical and emotional connection without expectations of erections or orgasms.

Of course, when we have hotter sex it’s wonderful, and orgasms run deep.

We keep up the near daily physical connection so our emotional connection is constantly renewed. This in turn keeps us physically in tune with our own desires and each other’s. Aging, prostate surgery, any number of other issues, can diminish the bonds if we allow that to happen. I’m grateful that we have been and are able to navigate through different states of being to maintain a good physical and emotional relationship.

Talk of finishing creates unrealistic expectations

Orgasm is sometimes termed “finishing” as the expected and desired end point of a sexual encounter. I think this creates such unrealistic expectations – and not just for seniors and people who’ve had prostate problems. We were already experimenting with sexual activity, even penetration, without orgasm for many years before Mish’s prostatectomy. In the four years since his surgery, expanding these practices has been really helpful. We are getting better and better at focusing on connections at all levels and of all sorts between us post-surgery, when we can’t rely on a persistent erection during sex.

For me and for Mish post-surgery, senior sex means we are finding our way to being sexual without anticipation of what may or may not happen. It hasn’t always been easy, as we would love to feel as hotly sexual as we were in our younger days.

A benefit of dealing with the effects of surgery is that we find we are not finished, and if we don’t have orgasms today, we may tomorrow, or even next week. This may be easier for me as a woman, as while I have always enjoyed sexual activity, I haven’t always easily had orgasms. The pressure is now off and we are finding our way to satisfying connection without the orgasms as the expected “finish.”

Related posts

You might be interested in Mish’s book on how to be sexual without firm erections. And these posts by the above author:

• When my partner was diagnosed with prostate cancer
• How prostate cancer impacts couples
• What is “natural” sex for a woman